write, brain. write, why?
Thoughts on the one-year anniversary of my book's publication.
I’m taking a break today from recounting the river tour and will instead mark the one-year anniversary of my pub date by returning to my original intention for this little newsletter: to write about writing.
Spoiler alert: Yes, it’s still hard.
One year ago today, I realized the dream of becoming a published author. An author of a novel. A novel I needed to write for more reasons than I can list.
Since its publication, I have met and talked with many people about my book. We’ve talked about other books, too, and about the writing of books, and about the desire of many, like me, to write a book. We’ve talked about our shared love of reading and how and which books have enriched our lives.
During these conversations, I am often asked one question:
Will you write another one?
That question was on my mind when I decided to go on the river trip. I suppose it was one of the reasons I wanted to go in the first place. Would I find inspiration there? Would my creative cup be refilled?
Consciously, I didn’t want this or any other desire to be the focus of the trip. I wanted to arrive in the canyon completely open to whatever awaited me there, with a mind free of preconceptions or expectations. I wanted the experience for experience's sake. I had enough things to carry—I didn’t want an agenda to be one of them.
But no matter how I tried to ignore it, that little voice—you know the one—broke through the silence of the gorge, taunting me. Will you, can you, should you write another book?
While I was in the canyon, notebook in hand, I let my ideas free-flow. As I imagined characters, I interviewed my companions, both guides and guests, for ideas. I asked about their lives, and I wanted to know what brought them to this place. I was curious to hear, but even as I asked, I thought I knew the answer. It must be, I thought, some variation on the same theme: I was called to come here.
The reason for the calling could be anything—challenge, curiosity, escape, loss, grief, ego, money. But whatever it was that pulled each of us—that called to us—it was strong enough that we all ended up in this fantastical, inhospitable place at the bottom of a vertical drop equal to 3 1/2 Empire State Buildings stacked one on top of another.
For me, it was the first time there. For others, it was the third, or the sixty-ninth, or the hundred-and-fiftieth. Why even ask why? Could I ever understand the true why, mine or anyone else’s? And even if I could, wouldn’t it only lead to yet another question: What next?
Since I’ve been back, I've been revisiting my journal and my map. I’ve wanted to write about the adventure for my own satisfaction as much as to share it with others. I’ve been reliving it in order to write about it, and along the way, the question keeps pecking at me.
Will you write, brain? Will you write another book?
I know much more than I knew when I started the first book in 2019. I know what it is to survive cancer. I know about urgency and an unshakable desire to leave something tangible for my children and their children. I know about the real work of writing, day after day, as well as the real joy of it. I know about the sad business of publishing and the true heroes who work every day to advocate for writers like me. I know about obstacles and options and obligations—overcoming, recognizing, and honoring them all.
And still the question remains.
Should I do it? Do I have what it takes? Do I even want to try?
The answer, after 365 glorious days as a published author, is:
I don’t know.
I had a ‘why’ when I started Bottom of the Breath. That why stayed with me throughout the six years it took to write and publish the book. It drove me to get up every morning and reach toward my goal. Why?
To write a book my daughter would love.
And now?
No matter that my book hasn’t sold many thousands of copies. It isn’t a publishing sensation, a break-out success, or the start of a new career.
It’s been a quietly exciting and oh-so memorable experience—one of the best of my life. It’s been a stream of happy surprises and more love than I could have imagined. It is the fruition of a dream, a book I’m proud of that I worked very hard to write; a book that, I’m told, has touched, inspired, and entertained. Maybe that should be enough.
In the months I’ve been talking to readers about the book, I’ve repeated something that I know is true: Writers write because they have no choice.
I suppose that’s why I’m writing these words now. I feel compelled to write them. But whether I will tackle the bigger task, I still don’t know.
Valerie, my daughter, told me recently that she has the book on her Audible app, and when she has trouble sleeping, she puts it on and lets it lull her to sleep. She already knows the story. She knows how it ends. It doesn’t matter where she leaves off or where she picks it up again. She's gone through it several times already, and it sounds like she’ll go through it many times more. It’s comforting to her. Like a mother’s lullaby. Or a goodnight kiss.
Outside of a personal sense of accomplishment, I’m not sure what to think about this experiment. I don’t know what it means that I’ve written this book and put it out into the world. I don’t know if I have the energy or enough ‘why’ to drive me to do it again. It seems at least I’ve left my daughter and my boys and my granddaughter a tangible reminder that they are loved and that they will always be loved. I like that they can pick up that reminder and read it or listen to it anytime they want.
That much, I know, is more than enough.
Thank you, as always, for being here. Remember. . .
Life is short. Read fast.
From one lover of the written word to another,
With love,
Jayne
One last thing: Please spread the word. The ebook is on sale for a limited time to celebrate its birthday. Thank you!
BOTTOM OF THE BREATH, Winner 2025 Best Book Award, Fiction: Women’s Fiction
BOTTOM OF THE BREATH, Finalist, 20th Annual National Indie Excellence Awards: Women’s Fiction
Coming July 8, 2025! IT’S HERE!! Bottom of the Breath is the story of a woman catapulted from her tranquil life on the Florida panhandle onto a cross-country road trip with her recently estranged husband. She must outrun a hurricane, digest a shocking, decades-old family secret, and come to terms with her own pain-filled past. Laced with mysticism and set among the majesty of Sedona and the Grand Canyon, the novel explores the power of friendship, the importance of forgiveness, and the vital need to create a future that embraces the past.
You are a talented writer and if it brings you any joy, you should write another book. Not because you have to but because you enjoy the creative outlet and making a story into a novel.